Greece Prep 101 08/15/2009
 
Picture
Don't expect this


Picture
Expect this

***
If you’re traveling to Greece from the United States or one of the many “civilized” European countries, you may be surprised by unique, independent Greece. Although Greece has been accepted into the EEC, to assume that Greece is like any other European country will, alas, leave you grossly unprepared.

But, don’t worry. I’ve put together a brief list of helpful preps for your next trip. It’s best to give yourself plenty of time—some recommendations require three to five years to be effective—so read this list early. Oh, and, WARNING: many of these recommendations are, indeed, hazardous to your health, but, hey, your trip to Greece will be so much more enjoyable:

1.   Noise Pollution—Greece is the poster-child for pollution, all types of pollution. The EEC has published noise standards for all of Europe, and Athens fails these standards, miserably. Combine screams, traffic, horns and the 3am garbage collections from hell, and you’re well above the decibel limit. At one point I contemplated whether or not all the yelling that goes on is because everyone is deaf.  But don’t worry, we have a plan. Take your iPod ear buds, place them in your ears, and over the next four weeks gradually increase the volume until close to max. (This will most definitely destroy your hearing, but will come in quite handy when in Greece-as you will be yelling as loudly and effortlessly as the rest of the population.

2.  Nefos (air pollution)—move to Los Angeles or next to a coal plant approximately three to five years before your first Grecian trip. If neither of these is possible, then move to that town in China where our used computer parts go—yes, the one with the green water where everyone is dying of cancer.

3.  Lower your time expectations--Purposely stand in very long crowded lines that do not move for hours. The only difference in Greece is, well, there are no lines.

4.  Conversely, avoid standing in lines; practice elbowing your way to the front of every crowd, especially if you are elbowing older pushy women out of the way.

5.  Cigarette smoke—If you aren’t already smoking or breathing in second-hand-smoke on a daily basis—what are you waiting for?

6.  Prepare to stop for goats—not sure where or how you would practice this. Suggestions, anyone?

7.  Do not telephone anyone or conduct any business between the hours of 3pm and 7pm.

8.  Skip breakfast, unless it’s coffee and a cigarette, and eat lunch and dinner later—at 2pm and 10pm. Start napping mid-day and staying up ‘til at least 2am. When you do fall asleep between 2am and 4pm, make sure an extremely loud noise, such as a crowing rooster, or an earthquake wakes you up approximately 1-2 hrs after you have fallen asleep—or as soon as you’ve entered REM stage.

9.   Practice sitting as close as you can to the people dining next to you—and standing as close as you can to the strangers next to you--without actually touching them.

10.   Practice saying, “Ooh-hee! Then say thel-loh (No! I don’t want you)” as you click your tongue and jerk your head up. And “Ooh-hee! Then sah-gah-poe (No! I don’t love you).”

11.   Withdraw all of your money from the bank in cash and store it under your mattress (just in case the banks strike for the next two months).

If you successfully complete all of the above, you will have a fighting chance of truly enjoying your Greek experience. Good luck, and remember, no physician in their right mind would suggest #1, #2, #5 or #8.


***For those of you who made it to the bottom of the post without a migraine, I  apologize for the cut-off left margin. I have reported it to the Weebly police, and, hopefully, it will be corrected soon. Now, please excuse me while I take a Maxalt.
I can't believe it! When I went to post this apology the left-hand margin reappeared!

 


Comments

Maria link
08/15/2009 10:49pm

these are some of the many reasons i was glad to leave athens and settle in crete instead, even though i love that city

Reply
Rebecca Elia link
08/16/2009 10:48am

Maria,
I love Athens too, and I understand why you moved to Crete, but that only helps you avoid #1 and #2. Don't you still have to deal with goats and roosters there? :)

Reply
Cara Lopez Lee link
08/16/2009 1:30pm

I had to laugh, because you described Athens utterly. I still remember writing the following line in an early draft of my memoir: "I was shouting and making angry gestures with my hands—this kind of behavior isn’t unusual in Athens, and although many people walked past, no one gave me a second glance." Your advice is spot-on!

I hiked to the top of Lycabettus Hill, in photo #1, for the view and a look at the little 18th century church... and you're right, it's almost the only green thing in a city that mostly looks like photo #2. But ahhhh, the Greek Islands... they're another story.

Reply
sonya
08/19/2009 7:33am

I'm not Greek, however, I'm of another ethnicity that compares greatly to most of what I've read above. Plus, I grew up in L.A. I can testify to all except the goats in the road. However, when you're in an ethnic enclave and people are standing smack in the middle of the sidewalk being useless impediments to passersby, they can rightfully take the place of goats in the road.

I've many times pushed people out of the way! I love diversity!

Reply
Rebecca Elia link
08/19/2009 4:54pm

Hey Cara, I knew you would relate to this!

Sonya, Thank you for reminding us that our "American way" of living is the experience of a limited number of individuals on this earth, and that our "old worlds" may, in fact, have a lot of experiences in common.

Reply

Comments are closed.