So vacation is here, and it’s time to fulfill your life-long dream to travel to that beautiful Greek island or that amazing ancient ruin. You watched Mamma Mia a dozen times and you were first in line to see My Life in Ruins. You’re ready! Or, so you think… Think again. This is a must read for those of you traveling to the land of dazzling light and Aegean blues beyond your dreams. With these helpful hints-about the Greek elements that are not so lovely-you won’t be able to claim that we didn’t warn you:
1. Yes, it is sad but true. You are directed to throw your used toilet paper not in the toilet, but in the bin next to the toilet. And, yes, this is true for most Grecian toilets. The claim is that the old pipes are not very wide and cannot accommodate toilet paper. I could provide you with illustrations that would support this claim, but I doubt you’d continue to read on, let alone actually take your trip to Greece if I did…so I’ll just ask you to take me at my word.
2. Working hours are not what you’re use to in the U.S. Most banks, schools, shops, government agencies, doctors’ offices, and businesses shut down some time around 1:30pm-3:00pm and may not reopen at all. Those that do, reopen only a few days of the week and do so for only a couple of hours (around 6pm-8pm). Extra hint—if you are unfortunate enough to have to set foot in a bank, allow yourself an extra couple of hours.
3. Usually, tavernas and restaurants do not open before 8pm. Most Greeks eat their main meal in mid-afternoon and have a small dinner sometime after 10pm.
4. Forget about rushing anywhere or traveling on a set schedule. The weather, alone, may delay your trip by days or even weeks. That goes for Athenian travel as well. Unless you’re within walking distance or are driving a very small motorbike, traffic can be a bitch.
5. Beware of taxi driver rip-offs. Learn the system. Check the meter. Unless it’s late at night, the meter should be set to “1.” If it’s set to “2,” then you will be charged approximately double. Find out what the typical cost is to your destination and question any high quotes. Expect to pay extra charges for travel from an airport or bus station, excessive luggage, road tolls, or reserved pick-up.
6. Language barriers: many Greeks speak English, and, then, many do not. Basically, “yes” (nai) sounds like “no,” and “yes” looks like “no.” So, nai, you’re screwed. But I’ll try to help you out. If a Greek responds to your question without a sound and bobs his head up or just looks up, or clicks his tongue and looks up, or any combination thereof, that’s a “no” reply. If he nods his head down at a slight angle, that’s a “yes.” Now you can understand why there are so many misunderstandings…
7. Beware of obnoxious trolley and bus drivers. Most tourists don’t take the trolleys or buses, and they’re missing out on true Greek drama. Where else can you, for about a dollar, get tossed around at random, roller-coaster style, get felt up by the adorable eighty-year old standing next to you, and observe, even participate in, the fighting match between the loathsome witchy woman and the intolerant detestable man? What are they fighting about, you ask? Hell if I know, and I understand Greek!
8. Screaming is normal. Everyone screams everywhere, all the time, on every occasion.
9. Meals take a long time. My longest meal lasted eleven hours. (Yes, that was at a taverna, on a rainy day, with a group of friends and about fifty small bottles of tsipouro.) You must ask for the check, and then maybe you’ll get it sometime in the next sixty minutes. Tips are not expected of locals; most just round up. But because tourists tend to leave tips, they might expect one from you.
10. Almost always, you must pay cash for your meals, especially at a taverna.
11. Expect strikes at any moment. The first time I traveled to Greece, I was there during an election (which, in the past, meant guaranteed strikes). Everyone was on strike for about six weeks. By everyone I mean everthing--the buses, the taxis, the travel offices, the banks, the electricity, the garbage collection, and a bunch of other things. It was an amazing, smelly trip. Ah, that’s why Greeks keep their cash under their mattresses.
12. Forgot to pack something for your trip and it’s in the middle of the night? No problem. Find a kiosk (periptero). The man (or woman) in the box has everything. Honestly, everything. Here are some things that I (or friends accompanying me) have purchased: ice cream, peach juice, milk, snickers, hazelnut chocolate, condoms, magazines, umbrellas, bandaids, shoe insoles, phone cards, bus tickets, razors, cigarettes (the #1 seller of course), Kleenex, purses, belts, crazy glue, needles and thread, newspapers, nuts, reading glasses, water, dinner dates, mail-order Russian brides--what? You’re still reading this?
13. If you smile, giggle or laugh excessively (especially when accompanied by a naive expression) the Greeks will think that you are pitifully stupid or American, or both.
14. Greeks drive on the shoulder on the freeways. They also tend to run red lights.
15. Beware of the elements. Humans are frequently hit by Greek lightning. For example, if you attend a funeral in the rain, don’t bring along a metal-tipped umbrella. Earthquakes and floods are common. If you’ve rented a motorbike and fall/winter rains hit, tie your motorbike to the side of a building.
16. The Greek Sun is very strong (Yes, they have a different sun than we do…go figure!). So, if you want to escape sunburn (which can really mess up your vacation), do as the Greeks do: head to the beach after 3:30pm.
17. Everyone smokes. Even the Greek goats.
18. Forget anonymity. Everyone will know your name and everything about you. In fact, they already know your name…and everything about you.
19. A special warning to single women: if that Greek God you’re swooning over invites you to meet his family (i.e. Mom) then let me be the first to congratulate you on your engagement!
20. Never never drink alone.
Happy Greek Travels!
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