Recovering "Honorary Man"

I would like to introduce my friend Laurie, an accomplished business woman, wife and mom, who has graciously agreed to share her story with us about her own struggles with infertility and the subsequent adoption of her daughter.

I was reminded of her story recently because of all the much-needed attention that actress Nia Vardalos is drawing towards the 129,000 U.S. foster care children ready for adoption today. She did so by sharing her own infertility struggles and the subsequent joy of adopting of her daughter.

As you read through Laurie’s story, please think of yourself and the sacrifices you have made in order to fit into our masculine-principled culture. Remember, whether you are a mother or not, whether you have experienced infertility or not, if you are a part of our culture, then Laurie's story is our story:



The virtual whack of the 2' x 4' plank from the universe came in the form of a charging dog at the dog park one day when my daughter was two months old. I had been running through life at eighty miles an hour for years. That single-minded focus on accomplishment and utter lack of awareness of most things personal (my health, relationships, etc) were forced to a halt and a major life shift began.

To take a few steps back, I had always wanted to be a Mom. After five years of marriage and a couple of years living in Europe doing whatever we wanted, my husband and I decided we were ready for the next step – parenthood, and we were not prepared for the news during the first pre-natal visit that there was a “demise’ at 6.2 weeks. We had no idea what a quest the next four years would bring.

About two years into our efforts to become parents, I was in Japan with my boss/friend on a business trip. We had a week of meetings with customers and executives in the field office.  Cultural norms in Japan often separate men and women. For American executives from abroad, the norms were flexible, giving us an unofficial status as “honorary men,” and allowing meetings and dinners with Japanese men to be acceptable. I recall one night at dinner on our own when my friend shared the news of her impending adoption and I shared our challenge to become parents. Her advice was to get as aggressive with the fertility technology as quickly as possible.  At the time I hadn’t been aware of the impact of the imbalance of the masculine and feminine. The drive for success, long hours, personal sacrifice that resulted in this “honorary man” status I was secretly proud of, were likely strong contributing factors as to why my feminine nature was suppressed and why my biological procreation ability wasn’t functioning.

For two more years we tried nearly everything Western and Eastern medicine could offer to assist our quest to become biological parents. IUI, IVF, injections, pills, tests, acupuncture, herbs, fertility diets, supplements, avoidance of wine and hot baths; we really ran the process like a project. We had several other “false starts” but were still childless. In parallel, I never slowed down at work, steadily increasing my responsibilities, driving ever forward with my masculine-dominated approach. Eventually, in a moment of clarity, we finally decided we’d had enough of the invasive and painful procedures and we just wanted to be parents. 

We chose adoption. We were rewarded with a lightning-fast process and exactly one month after filing the final paperwork, we were in the car making the four hour drive to meet our new daughter. That first meeting was epic and the two weeks we spent in the hospital with Charlotte a true gift. Back at the office, clouds were forming. My long time mentor and boss had been fired, the company I had built my career with had been sold and my new boss wasn’t exactly pro “working mom.” To be honest, I wasn’t always pro working mom until I became one. I decided to take a three month leave to bond with our new daughter.

Three weeks before I was supposed to return from leave to my “big” job, the dog park incident resulted in a very broken leg, surgery, a hospital stay and months of recovery. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was the beginning of the shift in thinking and awareness of all that I was missing in my single-minded focus on my career and moving ahead. My rehab was then spent on the couch, my leg in a motion machine, my daughter by my side content to lounge with me for hours at a time. 

Returning back to work from leave, I found the company was in the middle of acquisition chaos. My role changed and I negotiated the ability to work from home full time. For eight months, the former driven-professional who had worked 12-14 hour days, always in the center of the action and on the hardest projects, spent 24 hours a day at home with the family, enjoying motherhood. I was transitioning to a working lifestyle where I learned to meet the needs of my career in a new and, much to my surprise, equal, if not more effective, way. 

My daughter is now four years old. She has been my catalyst for balance. I continue to be the sole bread-winner for the family, but I have new-found priorities. I still have a big job with big responsibilities, but I have transitioned to operations rather than the high-profile customer-facing roles of my past. I can make a big contribution to the company, and leave the office at 4 pm each day to be home with the family. Plus I work from home at least one day a week. I have a better sense of what is “enough” for my career and take advantage of every minute beyond that to be a wife and mother and just me. This prioritization requires tradeoffs and flexibility, something my old “honorary man” self had no patience for. The result is magic. Giving me and my colleagues latitude for this flexibility empowers everyone to be more creative and to get things done. We are much more a collective at the office, striving for team success over individual ambition. 

That broken leg was one of the best things to happen to me. The situation created the space for me to step into the most rewarding role of my life: being a mother. I also learned a new way to be successful in my career and to be “enough” rather than constantly striving for more. I have since read many articles about the imbalance of masculine and feminine resulting in physiological issues like mine. Would I have made the big shift on my own? Probably not. I am so grateful for my professional accomplishments and the opportunity and abundance they have afforded. Charlotte was my destiny and has brought me true joy. 

I recently was back in Japan, reflecting on how far I had come in the six years since that first trip. My work priority this time was to understand the local operations and how my team can make them successful. No high-powered meetings like I had during my last trip. It was a week of collaboration and relationship building and taking the time to learn more about the culture. Just like a person balancing on a board atop a cylinder, the masculine and feminine in me are in constant calibration. I now consider myself a recovering “Honorary Man.” The peace and confidence that comes with this balance is worth every bit of the effort.

 

Laurie’s story includes so many issues relevant to women in our American society—the struggle between balancing our multiple roles, the expectations and rewards for participating in the male business world, the split between our feminine and masculine identities and the toll this split/imbalance takes on our bodies and our lives. She addresses the differences in our culture, comparing us with the Japanese. She describes the unbelievable tragic loss of a child, which far too many women experience, along with the incredible joys of motherhood. She addresses the changes that we willingly make for our children, the same changes that we refuse to make for ourselves. And she addresses so many wonderful feminine qualities that are ignored and devalued in our society.

I hope that her story has inspired you to look at these issues in your own life, reflect on what is out of balance for you and recognize the consequences of this imbalance. Look at all that Laurie gained by her new choices. I hope that you are inspired to take the next step towards balance and that, unlike so many of us,  you won’t need to be hit by a dog or a mack truck in order to do so! Ask yourself what you are sacrificing and what you are gaining, both now in your present situation and later with the changes you are called to make.

Please consider sharing your thoughts, experiences, and stories with us. We would also love to hear about your “successes” in obtaining balance, no matter how small they may appear to you.